Mothnosticism (not a cut-and-paste!)

Apparently my blog has become cold and stale. Nice to have brutally honest friends isn't it? Yeah but... I'm poking fun at Christianity... I'm doing my job aren't I? Aren't I??? Sigh... I'd agree that my 'material' has been cold cut-and-pastes that only fulfill in filling the void to keep an audience going. My pushing of the button every 108 minutes to save the world, "brother."

I did a poll recently with the new blogger feature and 15% of voters wanted to know more about ME! (7 people voted in all). It's a lot of work keeping this blog going and I have no idea what the benefits are anymore. I'm pretty sure it's 'bad' for me and I'd be better off at my family blog diarising the amazing things that happen in my amazing life.

I'm a little obsessed with checking the page views and watching it tick past the 10 000 mark was almost as exciting as catching my car's speedometer click past 300 000. God-dammit I need a new car (and a life, by the sounds).

S.C., I hope you don't mind if I cut and paste our convo here for public consumption:

Me - A few years ago, I made a decision to either work at a Private Christian school, or a Public (normal) school... I chose the public school because I believed that's what god was calling me to do. Thanks god, that put me amongst people who would convince me to sleep in on Sunday mornings. I don't regret the decision, but it was another point at which an alternative universe was brought into existence for me to wonder about. I'm responsible for approximately 6 parallel universes, and that's a pretty big responsibility, let me tell you.

If god had 'told' me to take the private school then I no doubt would have been a very Christian blogger. I'd have probably been an energetic Christian troll who would have been completely puke-worthy. The alternate me would have been a complete prat.... or at least more of a prat than I am now.

Snakey - You're saying you are a 'product of your environment'? That's what I've been feeling from your 'material' lately....... its cold. .............. It's cyberspacey ? ......WE ALL crap on.....wave about our opinions while spending time in front of a computer....usually alone....... what I'm missing in your 'material' these days ..are bits of 'YOU" finding its way out within the blogasphere.... maybe its me...I like the personal dialogue more....the imprefection of reflection. does that make sense... ? who cares..... its the internet............ being self absorbed is a condition of use...?
Me - Truth is, I'm scared to reveal too much of myself on my blog lately... I don't want to disappoint my new 'cool' atheist friends. Too much going on in my head. Too much doubt and strange stuff going on in there. I don't like it and my confident(?) online tough guy atheist persona is going against the programming of a lifetime of theism. Not sure if I'm an atheist or not... I think I'm Mothnostic. Yep, I'm going with Mothnostic, 'cause apparently this blog is my church and my 18 regular readers are my congregation. Welcome in Mothnostics, I really think you should tithe more and help me pay for my new car.

Frak, I hate existing sometimes and I hate this feeling of psuedo-loneliness that comes from a life without a super imaginary friend. I used to fuck up (and still do) but was comforted knowing that life was going according to a plan and the thing is... I'm starting to actually believe there's no one at the wheel, even though I want to believe there is. I've been trying to talk myself out of it, but, to be honest, I'm not doing well.

I don't want to go to church but I'm finding it hard to find people to befriend. I don't have a 'holy ghost' commonality to talk to people about anymore and people really don't seem to care that I'm *shock* an ex-christian. I don't know how to fit in, but to be honest I was socially awkward even in the church/cult. I want to believe in god, I just can't... I don't want to believe in the bible, but I want to believe in destiny and fate and predestination and all that fantasy crap. Part of me is slipping back into that mould far too easily.

I've been told me that I'm the most messed up person someone's ever met. I like that about me... it's great to be young and insane. Hey, 36 is young!


Handsome B. Wonderful said...

I love your blog just the way it is.

snakey said...

Happy Belated Birthday MothBalls..

I left you a 'cake' at the chatroom. Can't seem to paste a picture here...

snakey said...

Btw...If I had known prior to my rabbitting on in yet another reply...I might have added..

"its all about the blog" aint it?

btw... Was my repy anything like you expected?

snakey said...

If you enjoyed the item below...'the Passion of Benny Hill'..

come to Walkaway from Fundamentalism forum or google 'snakechic' to get there....

Did I mention that Moth&Rust stole, swiped, & borrowed that lovely piece of understated wit and humor from ME.

& to think I almost let him get away with it too...


mothpete said...

If I get pulled up for this one on judgement day I am fully going to give you the credit... Fingers pointing at you.

She did it.... she made me do it... it was her! Snakechic !!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm encouraged by your doubts. I hope you will reconsider, and reexamine your falling away from the faith.

Anonymous said...

"She did it.... she made me do it... it was her! Snakechic !!!!!"

yeah...Adam and Eve tried that one. Didn't work too well for them, I dont like your chances.

I like the Church of Moth simply cause I can go to it wearing my boxers...and I like heckling the speaker.


Eek said...

You don't feel like you "fit in"? Is that a social skill thing (cos lets face it a super controlled fundy upbringing doesn't really teach you how to be a normal person), or is it more a case of not fitting into your own skin.. you don't fit "you"?

Or is it just depression?

Are you just looking for answers? Some type of hope that you'll be happy, that everything will be ok in the future?

In my opinion most peeps go to church, "find their way", BECAUSE they have a need of some sort.

"I feel bad about something I've done or who I am" so I go to church and suddenly "oh I can hand the reigns over to someone else and find fake, conditional acceptance among the church crowd which will make me feel better initially"... is that really something you would knowingly want to do?

My advice... stop looking for an external solution to your state of mind. Look inward and self evaluate... sort your self and your life out lol... and THEN if by some chance you CHOOSE to go to church... then its a choice you've made for the right reasons.

I'm lecturing I know. But, meh.

snakey said...

reminds me of a saying...
you teach most what you need to learn.

Atheism-makes-more-sense said...

Gosh. Your blogs are so true. ~sigh~ i have a christian friend, and shes not even aloud to watch scary movies becuase 'demons' and 'evil spirits' will appearantly apparate in her househould and huant them. Her mother controls the poor girl like a puppet too, and shes confided in me more than once that she feels like a doll, like her life is not her own. No celebrating halloween, no boyfriends till your in college becuase "The only person you need to love is god."

I have a question, too. Why do people always capatilize he or him or his when talking about god? i mean really people. You whine and preach about putting your capitals in right places when writing then woops! god doesn't need rules.

Ugh, it annoys me so much. People preach about things they do themselves. Most christians are very large hypocrites.

mothpete said...

A theologian acquaintance of mine reckons they don't capitalise the pronouns anymore. :P There's a step in the right direction, eh?