I did a poll recently with the new blogger feature and 15% of voters wanted to know more about ME! (7 people voted in all). It's a lot of work keeping this blog going and I have no idea what the benefits are anymore. I'm pretty sure it's 'bad' for me and I'd be better off at my family blog diarising the amazing things that happen in my amazing life.
I'm a little obsessed with checking the page views and watching it tick past the 10 000 mark was almost as exciting as catching my car's speedometer click past 300 000. God-dammit I need a new car (and a life, by the sounds).
S.C., I hope you don't mind if I cut and paste our convo here for public consumption:
Me - A few years ago, I made a decision to either work at a Private Christian school, or a Public (normal) school... I chose the public school because I believed that's what god was calling me to do. Thanks god, that put me amongst people who would convince me to sleep in on Sunday mornings. I don't regret the decision, but it was another point at which an alternative universe was brought into existence for me to wonder about. I'm responsible for approximately 6 parallel universes, and that's a pretty big responsibility, let me tell you.
If god had 'told' me to take the private school then I no doubt would have been a very Christian blogger. I'd have probably been an energetic Christian troll who would have been completely puke-worthy. The alternate me would have been a complete prat.... or at least more of a prat than I am now.
Snakey - You're saying you are a 'product of your environment'? That's what I've been feeling from your 'material' lately....... its cold. .............. It's cyberspacey ? ......WE ALL crap on.....wave about our opinions while spending time in front of a computer....usually alone....... what I'm missing in your 'material' these days ..are bits of 'YOU" finding its way out within the blogasphere.... maybe its me...I like the personal dialogue more....the imprefection of reflection. does that make sense... ? who cares..... its the internet............ being self absorbed is a condition of use...?Me - Truth is, I'm scared to reveal too much of myself on my blog lately... I don't want to disappoint my new 'cool' atheist friends. Too much going on in my head. Too much doubt and strange stuff going on in there. I don't like it and my confident(?) online tough guy atheist persona is going against the programming of a lifetime of theism. Not sure if I'm an atheist or not... I think I'm Mothnostic. Yep, I'm going with Mothnostic, 'cause apparently this blog is my church and my 18 regular readers are my congregation. Welcome in Mothnostics, I really think you should tithe more and help me pay for my new car.
Frak, I hate existing sometimes and I hate this feeling of psuedo-loneliness that comes from a life without a super imaginary friend. I used to fuck up (and still do) but was comforted knowing that life was going according to a plan and the thing is... I'm starting to actually believe there's no one at the wheel, even though I want to believe there is. I've been trying to talk myself out of it, but, to be honest, I'm not doing well.
I don't want to go to church but I'm finding it hard to find people to befriend. I don't have a 'holy ghost' commonality to talk to people about anymore and people really don't seem to care that I'm *shock* an ex-christian. I don't know how to fit in, but to be honest I was socially awkward even in the church/cult. I want to believe in god, I just can't... I don't want to believe in the bible, but I want to believe in destiny and fate and predestination and all that fantasy crap. Part of me is slipping back into that mould far too easily.
I've been told me that I'm the most messed up person someone's ever met. I like that about me... it's great to be young and insane. Hey, 36 is young!