Stand up comedians get paid to make fun of Christianity... cool hey? and speaking of dinosaurs

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Dinosaurs and the bible... sigh. For years they've been happily teaching Noah's Ark to Sunday school kids and using plastic giraffes and elephants to illustrate how they were organised into the big cubit canoe - two by two - and everyone was happy. The curriculum was set and many grew up and hopefully outgrew it. Then some smart-ass Christian probably tapped the head guy on the shoulder and said, "umm, what about dinosaurs? Umm, we're gonna have to fit in the dinosaurs into the story... somewhere between Adam and Noah". The reply to this conundrum has produced dozens of whacked out theories and ideas to fit them in to the dreamtime fables.

Some of the various ideas I've enjoyed:

  • Ken Ham vigorously preaches that the book of Job describes a dinosaur when he quotes an obscure scripture that says, “His tail is like a cedar.” when the verse actually says "He moveth his tail like a cedar".
  • The dinosaurs were all originally vegetarians- Those huge sharp teeth evident in T-Rexes and Raptors were for ripping tomatoes apart.
  • Lizards don't stop growing and in the times of Adam the lizards lived for a thousand years, hence their great size.
  • Dinosaur fossils don't actually exist. They are part of a huge conspiracy to throw us off the truth of god.
  • The devil made the dinosaur fossils.
  • Even the gap theorists who try to fit dinosaurs into an old earth scenario don't have any scientific evidence to back their claims.
It's a hot topic at the moment and I've found some more fun stuff to bring back here to the nest. I found the following Lewis Black stand-up routine on Youtube at Kristi's blog, Pink Prozac and a similar routine by Bill Hicks. I transcripted Lewis' routine below, but couldn't be bothered giving Bill's the same treatment. You'll have to watch his - it's short and he has more body language to flesh it out.

Bill Hicks: It Seemed So Plausible



Lewis Black - Fossils: The Devil's Handiwork

Was the earth created in seven days? No. for those of you who believe it was, for you Christians, let me tell you, you don’t understand the Jewish people. We Jews understand that it did not take in seven days because we know what we are good at. And what we’re really good at bullshit. This was a wonderful story that was told to the people in the desert to distract them from the fact that they did not have air-conditioning.

I would love to have the faith to believe it took place in seven days… but… I have thoughts, and that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest.

And then there are fossils, whenever anyone tries to tell me it took place in seven days I reach for a fossil and go, “fossil” and if they keep talking I throw it just over their head. There are people who believe that dinosaurs and men lived together; that they roamed the earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to in which have dioramas to show them this… and what this is, purely and simply, is clinical psychotic reaction - they are crazy - they are stone cold fuck nuts. I can’t be kind about this because these people are watching the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.

I met gentleman in Georgia who had his set of belief and I had mine, and this makes it tough, because evolution is a major thread in the larger tapestry that I call REALITY. He said, “Lewis, Fossils are the handiwork of the devil,” (long pause)... I had to remind myself to breathe. I’d been tasered by the concept of the devil. Apparently the devil is like Wile E. Coyote only he is more evil and he has a ACME factory where he makes fossils, and he sends his minions to scatter them across the earth every day, in order to confuse my tiny Jewish brain.

3 comments:

Eek said...

"Be nice". Ok. Well, I was gonna be nice anyway...

I like the dinosaur fossils were created by the devil idea. I've heard/read/seen it sooo many times.

Its funny. And its my favourite ever christian concept. :D

See... nice.

James said...

Bill Hicks is brilliant.

The dinosaurs were all originally vegetarians- Those huge sharp teeth evident in T-Rexes and Raptors were for ripping tomatoes apart.

Hilarious. :)

Anonymous said...

Bob responds to a teen's 'Job - dinosaur' theory:

First of all, right out of the gate, I have to tell you that the concept of human beings (like you and me) having once lived along side the dinosaur is still complete and unbridled madness in my book. It's a theory no respectable historian, scientist or archeologist would even consider, laughing off the suggestion with something along the lines of: "What? Did some 15 year old come up with that one?"
It's a non issue, easily wiped from the chalkboard when you take into account the timeline necessary for a species to populate the world then become extinct.

With that said and my bias laid out on the table I must tell you these passages in Job present as much evidence for the theory as they do against it. Let me show you what I mean.

This 98 foot tall creature also seems to hide amongst the reeds in the marsh (Job 40:21 & 22) and in the shadows of the lotuses (a flower like a lily... the pads frogs sit on). It seems to be quite short in stature is you ask me, to lie in the shadow of those.

And it's a marsh Jasen, not the deep blue sea or the never ending ocean. Have you ever seen a marsh? I assure you that the 70 ton Sauroposeidon did not hide under the lilies there. I can also tell you why CalvaryChapel.com didn't address these particular issues, because that part doesn't fit very well. It's a crock Jasen, in every sense of the word.

Or maybe it's the fire breathing dragon? Maybe perhaps these dragons lived in herds amongst Job? Or Jasen, maybe these are more passages that aren't to be taken literally, just like the other ones in the Bible that don't make sense literally.

Okay, now what I'd like you to do is compare all of this with my reasoning. Please ask yourself this: Do you think that over the generations an animal species changes form? For instance, the slower, weaker gazelles are caught and eaten while the quicker and stronger are left to reproduce. Or the fish that actually finds a way to crawl upon the land when the pond dries up, then passes this skill onto its spawn. Or two male bears fighting over a female bear, the winner of which gets to mate thus raising the chances of having better baby bears. Do you Jasen believe that these things occur?

Now do you believe that over the course of a million years this natural occurrence in life changes/improves a species? This is what I believe. It explains everything; how we got where we are today, how life operates and why things are the way they appear to be.

Somebody may have found a way to translate some random, ambiguous passage from your Bible to explain how dinosaurs fit into a 10,000 year timeline with us, but my beliefs make more sense. Speakin' of "makin' sense", tell me about the dragons!