What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? One has hope in her soul . . .
If "The Jetsons" has taught us anything about the future, it's that the white supremacists win.
So yesterday I asked my Rabbi if I could borrow 5 bucks. He said "4 dollars? What the hell do you need 3 dollars for?!
A man owes the IRS $10,000, but he only has $5,000. So he goes to church and prays to god for guidance. God suddenly appears before the man and says, "Go to Las Vegas!" So the man knowing not to go against God, hops the next flight to Las Vegas, and walks into the first casino he sees and sits down at the Black Jack table. God says to him, "BET IT ALL!" So the man pushes in his $5,000 and gets his two cards. He has a 2 and a 3. God says, "Take a hit." The man gets another card, its a 5, he now has 10. God says, "take a hit." He gets a 4, he has 14. God says, "TAKE A HIT!" He gets a 3, he has 17. God says, "take a hit." He gets a 2, he has 19. God says, "take a hit!" He gets an Ace, he has 20. God looks at the man and says, "take.....a....hit." He gets another Ace, he has 21. And God replies, "UNFUCKINBELIEVEABLE!"
A man got on a plane and realized he was seated next to the Pope. Even though he was a devout Catholic, the man was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it. This is fantastic, thought the man. I'm pretty good at crosswords. Maybe if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for help. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'U-N-T'?" The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. He thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Jesus and Moses are fishing up on Lake Heaven. Jesus turns to Moses and asks, "Moses, can you still do that trick that you use to do down on earth?" Moses carefully stands up in the boat, raises his arms, and parts his hands. Sure enough, the lake's water splits in half and the boat drops to the ground beneath. Moses puts his hands back together, the waters come back and the boat rises to the surface. So, then Moses turns to Jesus and asks, "Well, can you still do that trick you use to do down on earth?" Jesus carefully steps out of the boat and begins walking on top of the water! After about five steps he falls over and begins to go underwater. Moses quickly paddles the boat over and helps Jesus back in. Jesus coughs out some water in his lungs and says "Dang, last time I tried that I didn't have holes in my feet!"
The pope goes in for his annual checkup. It turns out that he has a fatal disease with only one cure for men, and that is to have sex with a woman who has been injected with the antidote. The pope breaks the bad news to all the cardinals and ask what they think would be the right thing to do, he will abide by their decision no matter what. The cardinals hold their meeting and after much debate they decide that just this one time it would be ok for the pope to go through with the life saving procedure. When they deliver the news to the pope he says, "Thank you for giving me this chance to live on and continue to spread our word to the world. I only have four requirements that need to be met so I can go through with this: #1 - she must be blind so she cannot see who she is having sex with, #2 - she must be deaf so she cannot recognize my voice and figure out who she is having sex with, and #3 - she must be mute, so even if she does figure out who I am, she won't be able to tell anyone about what I did." The cardinals all agree that this would be the only way to go about doing this whole scenario. Finally one cardinal stands up and says, "But I thought you said there were four requirements, you only gave us three." The pope leans forward and says, "Oh yes, the fourth requirement - big tits."