Found this in a forum today, I'm running out of my own material now, so I'm hunting and gathering:
Parting the Red Sea and then dramatically drowning the Egyptian army, making people wander for forty years in the Sinai because of a perceived insult, killing Job's children to prove a point even though a limitless being need not prove anything to anyone--and then thinking they could simply be replaced with new children, requiring people to be dunked in water to prove their allegiance, putting in motion an end of the world scenario worthy of a Hollywood Blockbuster...!
Man oh man, Somebody craves attention. And who is that Somebody? Why, it's Miss God, Drama Queen of Heaven. --SNAP!-- What a bitch. She loves us so much that She wants to save us, Her beloved children, from eternal damnation. Golly gosh, isn't she just... like, divine? I mean, there would be no damnation for us to be saved from if She hadn't created it. Isn't it great that because others will burn and serve as a reminder of what could happen to us, we can get our wings and become fairies in a chorus line forever?
Now Miss Thing is a limitless being who could have come up with a limitless number of ways to make us see the Celestial Truth beyond her infinite-inch pumps, but She chose pain and suffering on earth with the threat of more pain and suffering in the great beyond. Miss Thing obviously needs intimidation to teach love. But what does it matter so long as we love? And hey, so what if those we love burn eternally; we're saved, Hallelujah, saved! And the unsaved? It's their own fault. The nerve of them, being born Hindus or living as cavemen before Christianity--or even worse, working so hard to take care of elderly parents, support kids, and get through a dehumanizing job that there is no energy left for Sunday evening Bingo with Father Lucius. If, with all their hearts, they had called on the name of Miss Jesus, that homo-erotic hunk from the S&M oeuvre of Mel Gibson, they would have been saved, Hallelujah.
Mel Gibson and Father Lucius tell us that the wages of sin is death. But who created the idea of sin? Miss God, of course. We wouldn't be sinners if She had not created us in Her image. She created sexuality but doesn't want us to use it properly. A normally horny teen can't even masturbate; he has to wait until after high school, college, and grad school to get married and laid. Miss Thing also gave us bodies that suffer every little thing alongside natures that demand creature comforts, but then She condemns us for not being a flock of Mother Teresas.
Oh wait, Mother Teresa was Catholic. She's going to hell anyway saith the Fundies, Hallelujah. Yes, that's right: All that she did does not matter if she doesn't lick the celestial pumps. And if Hitler calls on the name of Jesus, he goes to Heaven. After all, he sent did us a favor by sending six million heathens to Hell early, Hallelujah. Ah, but it's Miss Satan who makes us do all the bad things. That's the mo-fo who is really responsible for the six million. Well, who the Hell created Miss Satan (pun intended)? Miss Satan is allowed to deceive us, but then we are condemned for being deceived. Miss God gives us rational minds and the ability to think for ourselves--and then She demands we ignore our intellect when it tells us that She is out of her omnipotent mind... Hallelujah!
Link to Mark the Unsaved