I swear to Gosh

"And the Lord sayeth unto they, thou shalt not say fuck or frak or any variation of sexual intercourse in a simplified vernacular during casual conversation. Neither shalt thou shit a cunt bomb by thy tongue, and if any bastard taketh the pisseth out of my name by way of expletive they'll surely answer unto me for an eternal damning in my Hellhole" - Fuckathians 13:69

But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.” (Matthew 5:37)

But above all things, my brethren, swear not, neither by heaven, neither by the earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation.” (James 5:12)

"But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment." (Mat. 12:36)

One of the above is not an actual verse from the bible about swearing. The other three aren't really biblical directives that explicitly forbid Christians from saying 'Fuck' either, but they're enough to lay a big guilt trip on the diddly duddly Ned Flanderers of this great green earth. The following words and phrases are supposedly forbidden to be spoken by the Law of the Gospel of Grace:

"Well, my word!" - the Word was GOD! Satan tricked you! He's such a son of a Biatch!

"Well, my goodness!" -If you are saved then your "goodness" is none other than God

"Good grief! I had no idea!" - There you go again! Jesus Christ was a man of sorrows and acquainted with GRIEF (Isa. 53:3).

"For crying out loud! Can't I say anything?" - Matthew 27:46 says that when your Saviour was suffering on the cross He "cried with a loud voice.

"Well, geeeeeeee!" - Did you say "G", as in "GOD"? Yes, you certainly did! You've also said "Gosh" and "Good Golly"! You've also said "Jeepers Creepers" when you really wanted to say "Jesus Christ" (JC!).

You've also played around with the letters "G" and "D" together. You said "dad gum" and "dog gone" when you really wanted to say "God" and then follow with the word "damn". Think about it, Christian! Oh and what about "darn" and "dang"?

"Why, heck!" - God knows your heart, and he knows you really wanted to say "hell!".

Ah, shoot and shivers! I nearly said shit!

Crikey - Christ

Bloody - Jesus Blood

Struth - God's Truth

Jesus Fucking H Christ in a Handbag - A fornicating saviour of the world with the middle name 'Hell', in a woman's recepticle.

4 comments:

mpj said...

In the words of Scott Adams,

"I received an emotional letter of complaint after a strip in which Dilbert used the expression "jeepers cripes." The writer chastised me for using the Lord's name in vain.

I can only pray that the almighty Gosh will not darn me to heck for offending his son, Jeepers."

Nicest Girl said...

"Bloody - Jesus Blood" <~ that one made me laugh. I don't know why.

American Scot said...

Having grown up in Utah, I've heard almost every variation to swearing known to man.
"Cheese and rice" was a big one.
Mormon girls are real fond of "oh my Heck!"
"Gall dern it" is another one...
Anyhow, thanks for the laughs!

Eek said...

Well, fuck huh. I guess I might as well give up all the damns and darns and bloodys and whatever else and just stick with the F word from here on in.

*shrugs*

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell anyway.