Rhetorical questions and random quotings

The Bible says the Earth is flat round and the earth was created before the Sun - Wrong. I'm sorry bible, but you've failed to match up with what we can now work out with a telescope. Maybe in Bible version 2.0 we can fix that up. The bible is supposed to be full of answers, but I can't help but just find heaps more unanswered questions. As Homer said while flipping through the Bible yelling, "This book doesn't have any answers!"

It's a fun book but don't look to deeply:

Eating naughty fruit cursed all women with a tight vagina that would hurt like hell when a baby is passed through it - yeah right. I know of women who have had babies with very little to no pain. Did they escape the curse? Will God get them? Seriously, childbirth sucks because it's a tight opening with lots of nerve endings and muscles. What? Did Eve have a vagina the size of a football? Poor Adam - he must have loved anal. The curse also caused man to have to work for their food, but I know of many rich playboy types who don't do jackshit!... and all snakes lost their legs from the curse too - lizards on the other hand were able to keep their's.

God said "let's make man in our own image', fully knowing that we'd interpret that as being we look pink or brown and hairy like him.

God rested on the seventh day - Why the fuck does an omnipotent being need to rest for a full 'YOM'. How long was the resting Yom 'Day'?

God took a rib from Adam's ribcage? Would Adam not need that particular rib? Did god put too many unnecessary ribs in there? Did Adam have trouble running with an out of whack skeletal system? Couldn't he have cloned Eve with a hair or something?

God, the racist wanted Adam's family to procreate with each other to further the lineage. He didn't want them mixing with the other godless pre-adamics. Wonder which night they hooked the kids up for that? Hey it's Friday night! Meatloaf and family sex night.

Noah's ark was a story put into the bible to set up the scene that God follows through on his threats to genocide our asses if we don't fall into line. Sunday School would also suck without animal stories.

No relationships in heaven? So much for the whole bride-groom coming for his bride analogy. Looks like we're gonna be getting a divorce quicksmart and forced to sing to the egotistical God for all eternity... all with a forced smile lest we be smitten with painful childbirth again.

The bible isn't confusing to those who believe it in much the same way Aboriginals aren't confused by Dreamtime mythology. Plus it's easy to spin this ancient ramble to fit your beliefs with circular reasoning.

2 comments:

American Scot said...

"What? Did Eve have a vagina the size of a football? Poor Adam - he must have loved anal."

"Noah's ark was a story put into the bible to set up the scene that God follows through on his threats to genocide our asses if we don't fall into line. Sunday School would also suck without animal stories."

Great stuff! I love it!

Eek said...

Seriously.. SERIOUSLY... name one woman who did not experience pain during childbirth.

Name one.

No pain.

Name em.

You can not even begin to imagine... I mean, I have short labours, like an hour or 2 max, and I have little babies... and it FREAKING HURTS.

So... name em.