A tribute to those who are Christian by name only

You call yourself a Christian, but

  • You still haven't read the Bible all the way through, even though you usually have the 'Fifteen Minutes a Day' it takes. You're conveniently avoiding the numerous tricky scriptures atheists throw at you.
  • You get in slumps where you only pray to "God" when you need something, or things are going bad.
  • You're secretly happy when circumstances prevent you from going to church.
  • You sometimes can't help tuning out the sermon (because it's so "damn" boring)
  • You often feel embarrassed by your fellow arms-in-the-air/crying zealot.
  • You get annoyed when you're requested to stand (you were obliged to get up early on a weekend; who can blame you?).
  • You act like the offering plate is a hot potato when it's passed to you.
  • You have closed your eyes or slept during sermon.

You call yourself a Christian at HOME

You call yourself a Christian, therefore you believe God will always provide, so why do you sometimes jip God of his tithe because you feel you've wasted money on something that month?

You call yourself a Christian, but you like watching Desperate Housewives just as much as the next guy.

You call yourself a Christian, but you "witness" to other people about as often as you tell them your blood type (or you're in the other extreme and all sense of being "Christ-like" goes out the window when you do).

You call yourself a Christian, therefore are against abortion by default, but what about the millions of half-children you're killing every time you whack off (to porn?).

You call yourself a Christian, so why is it that various sources say that your faith has the highest divorce rate, while atheists have the lowest of all? Ironic, don't you think?

You call yourself a Christian and are against abortion, but when was the last time you gave money or time to crisis pregnacy centres.

You call yourself a Christian and never have the highly advertised "Quiet time with the lord." You think you can make up for it by listening to Christian music in the car, even though most times you aren't even paying attention.

You call yourself a christian, but revel in the idea of eternal torment for those that disagree with your belief system.

You call yourself a christian but find it acceptable that the people you love so much may be sent to eternal torment because they said or thought something contrary to your beliefs.

You call yourself a Christian, but have an idea that some sins are worse than others. Distorting the truth can be justified if it results in a "win" for God, but being gay is undoubtedly an offense worthy of death and eternal fire.

You call yourself christian,but can't accept all other god beliefs, not even the 30 000 plus religious flavors of christ.

You call yourself a Christian, but you adhere to "selective morality" when it comes to obeying what The Word teaches. Don't you love God enough to do what He says? Consider the following:

  • People should give one-tenth of their income to the Lord, which Biblicists equate with church (“And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land, or of the fruit of the tree, is the Lord’s...And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoever passeth under the rod, the tenth shall be holy unto the Lord”--Leviticus 27:30-32)

  • “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak”-- 1 Corinthians 14:34

  • Christian women are supposed to dress discreetly (“...that women should adorn themselves modestly and sensibly in seemly apparel, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly attire”--l Timothy 2:9 RSV

  • Shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God”--Deuteronomy 22:5

  • “If any man come to me, and not hate his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sister, yet, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26).

  • "Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?" (l Corinthians 11:14)

  • Here is perhaps the mother of verses ignored: “Judge not, that ye be not judged” (Matthew 7:1) and “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged, condemn not and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). I have yet to meet a Christian who has not judged my atheism.

  • repetitious and monotonous praying is in violation of Matthew 6:7. “But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.”

  • (“But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil; but whosoever shall smite thee on the right cheek, turn to him the other also”-- Matthew 5:39).

  • Biblicists are not allowed to call anyone “father” (“And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven” (Matthew 23:9).

  • Christians are not supposed to plan or prepare. God will provide (“Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or that ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on... Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, not gather into barns; yet your heavenly father feedth them. Are ye not much better than they?”

  • Tattoos are anathema: (“You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh on account of the dead or tattoo any marks upon you. I am the Lord”--Leviticus 19:28)

  • Money cannot be lent at interest to your brother, only to foreigners (Deuteronomy 23: 19-20) Ahhh, I’m recalling all the Christian banking corporations....

  • Eating pork is forbidden (Deuteronomy 14:8). Hmm, I’ve never met a Christian who DIDN’T enjoy bacon and eggs.

  • A man must marry and have relations with his dead brother’s wife (Deuteronomy 25:5-6). This goes without explaining of course.

  • A seducer must marry an unengaged virgin whom he seduces (Exodus 22:16-17)

  • A raped, unengaged virgin must marry her rapist and they can never divorce (Deuteronomy 22:28-29). What justice the “moral majority” advocates.

  • Bastards can’t enter the Lord’s congregation. (Deuteronomy 23:2) Hey, I know this is harsh, but God commands it, hence it must be “just”.

There are several petty and silly little verses in the O.T., but none the less, they are to be followed. I guess it’s okay to disobey the lord for fashion’s sake. Beards can’t be rounded (Leviticus 19:27); A garment composed of wool and linen can’t be worn (Deuteronomy 22:11)


Eek said...

Um... what did Rodrigo say? lol. Wish I could speak Spanish dammit cos it looks cool. :P

Interesting blog... but the whole stupid bible verse thing isn't a new idea. Funny, but not new.

I mean, really, its pretty obvious that the bible is a symbol of its "times". It's both socially and historically based - more evidence that it is not the word of an all-knowing God but the word of a bunch of men who had a lot to say about what people of their time "should" be doing.

As if an almighty God would give a toss about stupid little rules when there are important issues at hand. (like how not to throw your whinging baby out the window)

Oh... and thank God I'm not a Bible follower cos I can not stand my disgusting, perverted, unintelligent brother in law! I shudder just thinking about him standing in the same room as me... let alone... eek.

mothpete said...

Not new, no. Just a mere propogation of other people's material. Some chunks from evilbible.com and others from comments at exchristian.net

Reverend Copernicus said...

Just so you know, I actually created a blogger account just so I could respond to you...upon further reflection, it seems as though that was unneccesary. Oh well, mayhaps a new venue for my rantings may be what I need.

mothandrust is right, none of this *is* new. However, it's quasi-new to the poster, and it will continue to be new to all of the people that first come to these discoveries. evilbible.com and exchristian.net weren't the origins of these thoughts either, they were just basically regurgitating the words of philosophers, wise men, and great thinkers into a virtual form.

The universe is ancient, and very few things are original ideas. I simply applaud this individual that he figured things out. I have personally 'corrupted' several christian people, making them wonder exactly what it is that they believe. Thought must be evil, because it's really the only thing that anybody needs to dispel the myth of christianity.

Anyway, mayhaps I'll get some of my old anti-christian blogs from MySpace posted over here on blogger. And you...well, keep on fighting the *REAL* good fight. Serious. It saddens me to see all these people wasting their lives.

mothpete said...

Hey thanks for your trouble Rev, I think the blogspot is less 'messy' that myspace for this sort of discussion...

and I loved your 'statement of faith'? Could I copy it here?

(quote) Reverend copernicus:

Me and religion don't get along very well. Not any specific religion, per se, but religion in general. I suppose the reason can be summed up in five brief statements:

1. No matter what you self-indulgent American assholes think, Jesus was not a white man.

2. Peter Popoff, Anton LaVey, and L. Ron Hubbard are/were supremely full of shit, and didn't deserve to see the light of day. I hope if reincarnation is real, I hope their next lives are as abortion afterbirth, or raw sewage.

3. I hope that the next major plague that sweeps the world over sweeps all Christian Scientists away with one fell swoop, and that if there is a place of eternal fire and damnation, that they'll always be confined to the hottest part thereof, preferably used to stoke the fires of hell for all of the innocent deaths their bullshit religion has caused.

4. If I had a nickel for every Catholic and/or Protestant that has expressed any genuine remorse for the slaughtering of thousands upon thousands of 'witches' in the name of their corrupt god...I would be penniless.

5. If I wanted to hear a sermon or somebody proselytizing me, I would go to church. And if I wanted to know what your god thinks about ___________ (see abortion, the Da Vinci Code, gay marriage, et. al.), I would ask him myself. And please, for fucks sake, don't speak as though you have an inside on what god thinks about these subjects. You don't. Some of you don't even have an inside on an education, or an imagination, for that matter.

Besides all of this, I'm of the human/male persuasion. I appear to be a carbon-based lifeform comprised primarily of water. In other words, there's nothing special about me...