The Simpsons Religion Quotes

"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008) Apu: She may have been reincarnated into that baby, or that mouse on the nacho cheese.  Ned Flanders: People are not mice!  Apu: Oh, big surprise. Joe Jesus Jr. here to set us all straight.  Ned Flanders: No one comes back as anything, except for Jesus as bread, and that's it.  Homer Simpson: Oh.  [leaves dejected]  Apu: That's the problem with your religion. Everything's a bummer.  Ned Flanders: Even the sing-alongs?  Apu: No, the sing-alongs are fine. 
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Ned Flanders: [surprised by the pink mutated multi-eyed squirrel] Well, this certainly seems odd, but, heh, who am I to question the work of the Almighty? Oh, we thank you Lord for this mighty fine intelligent design! Good job! 
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Native (Q'Toktok): Why are you building chapel?

Homer:
Because you're all terrible sinners.

Q'Toktok:
Since when?

Homer:
Since I got here. Now either grab a stone or go to Hell.

...later...

Homer:
Well, I may not know much about God, but I have to say we built a pretty nice cage for Him.
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Lisa: All through history self-anointed seers have predicted the end of the world and they've always been wrong. Homer: But sweetheart I have something they didn't have. A good feeling about this!

Lisa: Everyone should be able to choose their faith, just like I chose Buddhism. Father Sean: Buddhism? (laughs) Well, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends.Lisa: I'll ignore that.

Bart: Easy on the zeal Churchos… I've got something to say. Don't you get it? It's all Christianity, people! The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities!

Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman

Homer: (confessing) I wiped a booger on your shirt, I made a dog and a cat kiss, I swiped a bolted down tv from a holiday inn, I coveted the wife in Jaws 2, I lied to a waiter, I masturbated 8 billion times and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future. Woohoo I'm clean! In your face lord!

Marge: Homer, you don't have to pray outloud. Homer: But he's way the hell up there!

Ned: Well looks like someone's having a pre-rapture party. Homer: No Flanders its a meeting of gay witches for abortion, you wouldn't be interested.
Don’t worry, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year. -God

Homer: Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s a sinner! Except this guy.

Homer: Suppose we’ve chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we’re just making him madder and madder.

I was at Bible camp, learning how to be more judgemental. - Maude

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such. - Homer

Seen on Christian school sign: We put the Fun back in Fundamentalist Dogma!

Bart: Wow! God is so in your face. Homer: Yea, he’s my favorite fictional character.

Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa? - Bart

Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place in organized religion. - Superintendent Chalmers

Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? - Homer

Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me? (looking up at ceiling). Marge: Homer, that’s not God. That’s a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling.

Homer: Is it true you priest guys can't ever... you know? Father Sean: I'll admit the vow of celibacy is one of our sterner challenges. Homer: Celibacy I was talking about the meat on Friday thing. Man you guys got more crazy rules than Blockbuster Video.

Homer: No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta been out taking a whizz.-- Homer Simpson

Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things. - Ned Flanders
Moe: I was wondering if you could help save my soul. I've done stuff I aint proud of and the stuff I am proud of is disgusting.

Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral. - The Rev Lovejoy
Evolution of Homer Simpson

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1 comment:

The Maze Monster said...

oh i love all of this.

except there is a missing part in one of them that is hilarious. after marge and homer are done talking about the waffle on the ceiling it falls down and homer eats it. best of all, he smiles and says, "mmm, sacrilicious"