God's most embarrassing moments

David said:

And I just had to share what has to be the most ridiculous miracle of all time (at least, I hope so). It takes place in the story of Gideon. Here is Judges 6:36-40, And Gideon said to God, If You will save Israel by my hand, as You have said, 37 behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the grain-floor. And if the dew is on the fleece only, and dry upon all the ground, then I shall know that You will save Israel by my hand, as You have said.

LOL, yeah god, don't go out or your way or anything... wouldn't want to put you out. I think Moses would have been annoyed having to climb a whole damn mountain (more than once) to talk with the guy(god) - especially after only having to previously converse through a local fiery bush. Now he has to climb? What, God couldn't come down the mountain? Does he really have to promote the idea that he's physically above us? Such an ego.

I think God probably regrets the following posts in his Blog.
He should edit them:

Deuteronomy 25: 11 If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, 12 you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

Deuteronomy 22: 28 If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. 29 Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.

Ecclesiastes 3: 19 Man's fate is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: as one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; man has no advantage over the animal. Everything is meaningless.

Numbers 31: 17 Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known a man by sleeping with him. 18 But all the young girls who have not known a man by sleeping with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Jeremiah 25: 27 "Then tell them, 'This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says: Drink, get drunk and vomit, and fall to rise no more because of the sword I will send among you.'
Hosea 1: 2 When the LORD first spoke through Hosea, the LORD said to Hosea, "Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry and have children of harlotry; for the land commits flagrant harlotry, forsaking the LORD."

Leviticus 20: 27 A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones; their blood shall be upon them.

Leviticus 21: 18 For no one who has a defect shall approach: a blind man, or a lame man, or he that hath a flat nose, of anything superfluous.

Malachi 2: 3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces.

Isaiah 13: 15 Whoever is found will be thrust through, and whoever is caught will fall by the sword. 16 Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be plundered, and their wives ravished.

1 Corinthians 8 For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. 9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.

Luke 19: 27 But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.

Psalms 137: 9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the rocks.

Deuteronomy 21: 18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, 19 then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out 20 unto the elders of his city, and 21 all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die.

Proverbs 20: 30 Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being.

Numbers 31: 17 Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known a man by sleeping with him. 18 But all the young girls who have not known a man by sleeping with him, keep alive for yourselves.

2 Kings 6: 28 This woman said to me, "Give up your son; we will eat him today, and we will eay my son tomorrow." 29 So we cooked my son and ate him.

Matthew 19:12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb; ...and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.

Deuteronomy 22:5 A woman shall not wear man's clothing, nor shall a man put on a woman's clothing; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your GOD.

Check out russell's teapot for the full list and accompanying posters. Some of them contain images that will haunt you forever though.. eek! Be warned! Highly recommended.


Handsome B. Wonderful said...

I love how you refer to the Bible as "God's blog." Very, witty and hilarious.

Yes, God has a biiiiiiig ego that's for sure. He's also vain, not just angry but psychopathic in his rage, vindictive and a twisted game player with people emotions and lives. He is also an elitist picking and choosing who is worthy of his intervention to save their lives. How can such a being also be considered All loving???

Anonymous said...

I fondly recall the fundies pointing out Psalm 137:9, laughing at the potential consequences of reading one verse out of context, and in the next breath gravely quoting Mark 16:17 at people. All without a trace of irony.

Anonymous said...

Hey man, you're right about some of God's blog sounding rediculous, but you need to take a better look at the context of all this stuff. The Bible's an ancient book written to an ancient culture by guys that lived back in that culture. Do you know their culture and there languages for that matter? You seem a bit arrogant. Funny, but arrogant.

mothpete said...

Well as long as it's funny. That's the intention. As far as me being arrogant... dunno. 'spose it could come across that way, but I did'nt really say much. It was all direct quotes from the bible that I stole from the Russel's Teapot site.


Thanks for popping in.

mothpete said...

And yeah, I was a catholic for 17 years and a fundy for the next 17 years, so I've certainly had time to look at the context of that stuff, and yeah 'some' of it will be explained in a more understandy way.. 'some' of it. Still, the word of the Lord is yesterday, today and forever etc. and the context is that god was a violent bloody vicious warmonger.

Chris said...

Dude, your site is fucking brilliant. I love pointing out the flaws in the Bible because it is supposed to be a perfect book about a perfect God. LOL. Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!