HEROES - Christians with Super-Powers!

Miracles are great - they really are, or they would be if they actually happened. If they are true then all the lucky super-powered christian Heroes should get together and fight crime or do something useful with their powers, like feed the world or stop climate change. So, what super powers could they claim to have if they were all running at their full potential? Jesus said that they wouldd do greater things than he did, and really, that was a big statement wasn't it? According to Jesus they should be able to at least do the following and do them better.

Walking on water - I'd pay to see that, that there is a handy miracle. Would shoes get wet or would the fee actually be water repellant, just hovering above it? Either way this is a gravity defying miracle and therefore Christians should not only be able to walk on water, they should be able to fly.

Changing water into wine - Why can't all christians do this one..? they might get invited to more parties if they could. I'd sure as heck always make sure there was one of these 'heroes' at my parties.

Casting out demons - If I ever came across a demon, it would be great to send it into a herd of swine. Imagine the look on their faces as they get a red hot poker up the porky. It'd be priceless, they wouldn't know what hit them. I wonder what the bacon would taste like? Mmmm... smoked demon possessed ham... It's the forbidden apple in the mouth of a cooked pig that stops them from getting out.

Healing - Anything to save on health care and deter death would be neat. Hey, I'd even pay to not worry about bulk billing if these super-powered supernatural healings could be dished out better than Jesus could do it. If Jesus could do leprosy, then Christians should be able to turn the tide of Aids. Except that they're too busy waving signs at all the people they actually think have Aids.

Raising the dead - again that'd be awesome - full marks for this miracle - death sucks, it's been a real problem for a long time. Wrinkles are no good either. I say if they are gonna do better than Jesus on this one, not only do they have to re-animate the Lazuras' of today but also smooth out the wrinkles and unsightly scarring of whatever put them in the grave in the first place.

Invisibility - Apparently Jesus was able to get out of the clutches of a mad crowd by slipping throught the midst of them. He was sort of phasing out and moving through them invisibly. Michael Jackson is trying to achieve invisibility I think. He's gone from black to white to invisible... what? I don't see him anymore. But he's not Christian, so he can't top Jesus' trick... hmmm. I do hear of a lot of pastors who put their mittens in unwanted kittens, and then they disappear.

Ascending into heaven - That'd be cool to see. Defying gravity is always brilliant, especially if you wear a cape or flowing white robes. But like kilts, everyone is trying to look up them as you fly up into the atmosphere (where God is).

Loaves and fishes - I really really hope that works with KFC. I think this miracle is great and if I witnessed it... well, you'd never shut me up! I don't even think any of the mutated X-Men are able to generate food on that scale from slim pickings. Picard's Enterprise was able to though.

Calming the storms - Excellent... brilliant... America would really appreciate that and pay you heaps to stop another hurricane. Everyone loves X-Men's Storm, but not when she played Catwoman. Crossing from a Marvel character to DC is not a good choice in the movie business.

Speaking in Tongues - an unintelligible language... What the? Is that amazing? Is there a superhero that can do that? Tongueman? Gobbledygookboy? Wow, is it a bird, is it a plane? No, it's ummm, it's some guy who can stutter - next. So, you can speak in tongues? and you admit it in public. If you seriously try and tell the rest of the world that it is a supernatural miracle to rival a bottomless bucket of KFC then you are fooling yourself and potentially many other naive wonderers. I'd be complaining and asking for one of the other powers.

1 comment:

Eek said...


Walking on water - wear Crocs, then the wet shoe problem thingy is solved.

Changing water into wine - If some boring prat of a person could actually do this, I still wouldn't invite them lol.

Casting out demons - Noah's demonic! Seriously! Little vampy toothed baby. I'd pay someone to cast him out for just a few hours a day.

Healing - meh. Haven't you ever watched RPA or any of those other hospital doco things? They heal all the time... no miracle there. :P

Raising the dead - *points to Fido the movie*. Then we could all have slaves!! Yay, someone to do my ironing and clean my car!

Invisibility - um... I don't remember this bit. Jesus did what?

Ascending into heaven - saw that on Ghost. Looked boring. Next.

Loaves and fishes - yep, this is a good one. Forget bottomless KFC tho... remember Wendy Mason?

Calming the storms - yes please! I just know its gonna rain at the darn wedding. I need to find an alternative venue dammit. Grrr. Stupid outdoor beaches.

Speaking in tongues - oh this is an actual miracle? I don't get the whole tongue speaking thing. Sounds more like speaking shit to me. Blah blah blah.