101 Uses for a dead bible

Sorry, I couldn't think of 101, but hopefully you guys can add to the list... 101 Uses for a dead bible

1. Nail it to the end of a long pole and use it to unblock the drains.
2. Use it to jam into the mouth of any rabid, spouting preacher.
3. Rip into pieces and use to line the bottom of parrot cages.
4. Remove hard uncomfortable covers. Drill hole in corner and hang in smallest room in the house for emergencies.
5. Rip into pieces and soak in flour and water. Use as "papier-machier" to make models from.
6. If they were all collected and the paper recycled, it would save thousands of trees.
7. Remove illustrated pages of Jesus and fix to dart board. Challenge your friends to pierce his side first.
8. Clip gospel accounts into sections and challenge fundie to match the accounts. (Keep 'em quiet for months).
9. Hollow it out and use it to store your booze or condoms.
10. Put it in front of the medicine cupboard to keep the children away.
11. Origami!
12. Use your collection for step aerobics.
13. Tie several together to make an anchor for your boat.
14. Tie the big ones to your feet to use as snow shoes.
15. Collect them from your friends and make a life sized replica of stonehenge.
16. Give to children to use as building blocks.
17. Hurl into the air and use as target practice for clay pigeon shooters.
18. Use as shipping material when sending porno magazines to your old church friends.
19. Add your own verses and sneak them into the pews of the local church.
20. Add "All characters are made up" in the front cover and give to a fundie relative.
21. Use them as kneepads when working in the garden. 22. Keep in the car for extra traction when the snow comes.
23. Spit-ball ammunition.
24. Doorstop.
25. Use the big, heavy ones to bust the knee caps of those fundies that attack you.
26. Home instillation.
27. Toilet paper (ink might be toxic though).
28. Keep by the phone to jot down phone numbers.
29. Use them to pave your front yard walkway.
30. Firewood(could keep every homeless person on earth warm for years).
31. Rolling papers
32. Use leather to re-sole shoes
33. Bird cage liner
34. Hamster nesting material
35. Convert to adobe building blocks
36. Drop cloth for paint splatters
37. Paper mache
38. Coffee table books to prop your feet on so you don't scratch the finish
39. Gideon New Testaments make good coasters
40. Tire chocks so your car doesn't roll away
41. Tricks for Trick or Treat...kids will hate getting a bible instead of candy
42. White Elephant gifts at xmas
43. Sell them on Ebay
44. Great shock absorbers for Washers and Dryers.
45. Spacers. My deck is sinking a bit on one corner. Send me your 40 pounders, please.
46. Send them to your redneck cousin to use as blocks under the cars in his front yard
47. Cable tie them to the bumpers on your car for better crash resistance
48. Potty training material for your new puppy
49. Tie them all together and take them to the next Scotish Festival for manly shows of hurling strength
50. Bind them into a vest for when you need body armor
51. Breast augmentation
52. Donate them to PeeWee football for use as shoulder pads
53. Watch the Obits so you can have them engraved and sell them to mourning widows for an exhorbitant fee. "Your dear husband had this engraved and I'm sure he would want you to buy it."
54. Give them to Jehovah's Witnesses...
55. Stuff them into the front of your pants to enhance the size of your "package" (Guys only!) 56. Keep a stack of them by the door and throw them at pests such as dogs, cats, and Jehovah's Witnesses to chase them away. 57. Fold pages into a hat and wear it to church. If someone asks you what the hat is for tell them it keeps demons from reading your mind. If they laugh at you, scream at them and say "you servant of Satan, how dare you tear down the wall of protection I have erected against your foul temptations."
57. Feminine hygene products
58. Hotpads
59. Bookends
60. Acoustic insulation
61. Ear muffs
62. Catcher's mitt padding
63. Manpons..my own invention...male hygene products to reduce the effects of the sweat dripping down the ass cheeks in very hot climates thus reducing the heinous odor produced by the male homo sapien....manpon...get it??

3 comments:

Kristi said...

64. stick some in the washer on rinse cycle just to see what happens.
65. take out -- put in dryer
66. make a bike ramp so you can do some sweet jumps. Napoleon Dynamite style.

Anonymous said...

Read when I need a good laugh


Suppository for the religiously indoctrinated asshole


Emergency rolling papers


Disposable gun silencer


Cut words out for use in ransom letters

Eek said...

Oh I like the "ransom letter" idea. Thats irony at its best.

Disposable gun silencer.. yeah.. but the visuals aren't as funny lol.

My vote goes to the ransom letter lol.

And my "please remove" vote goes to the Manpon. Men sweat down their ass cheeks? What the? They do what? Heinous odour? Um... time to turn lezbo I think. I don't think I'll be able to look at another male ass ever ever ever again without feeling this overwhelming need to vomit.