Paying Karma's ferryman

LIFE... life...? don't talk to me about life (quote Marvin, the paranoid android)

I think about life all the time, and yeah it's a twisted messed up funny thing. Thank god it will come to an end one day... and hopefully I can make it to this sweet inevitable end with a few good memories (that will cease in death anyway) without hurting anyone through action or inaction.

I wished I believed everything happened for a reason. I really wish I did, but I don't think it does. I think it's a bloody mess of chaotic happenings and that fate is a dream best left to the naive religious idealists... or the drug induced poets. Often in life we get presented with crossroads and big decisions, and we/I make the wrong ones because of our/my messed up religious upbringings. Then comes regret and guilt... oh boy... and don't they suck? Missed opportunities and bad decisions, that sometimes you simply don't get a second chance at. All there is left to do is wallow in what could have been and what should have been.

LIfe's not easy and if you find it's getting easy then you're probably doing something wrong, because the right way is much more than often the hard way. And the hard way is always painful and tiring. Fixing up a bad decision, and paying Karma's ferryman can leave you broke, flinching and twitching on the floor like an electrocuted epileptic during a pokemon fight scene.

And people can have the power over you -t feels horrible, but it's the way of the world. Slavery is the crux of our civilisation, we just get more civilised at doing it. We can make slaves of many things. Emotional blackmail, dependancy, guilt.... these are all the commodites of the'land' lords who, sometimes unwittingly, take our lives by the balls and force us to live out a sad lot in life -ainfully.

Regret. I don't recommend it, but it's a tough addiction to kick. How does one forget the past and move on? How does one find forgiveness in people... sure God's giving it out for free and with complimentry bumper stickers, but humans aren't so forgetful or forgiving, and bumber stickers are usually corny and make the rear ends of cars look cheap. I want a millstone around my neck sometimes. It would be an easy out, but I've a feeling that would only make karma more angry and karma's flying monkeys of wrath would be spread out to the sad lives of those mourning and left behind.

I wished believe everything happened for a reason. that'd be peachy-keen-jellybean, that would mean that there actually is an entity pulling the strings who doesn't allow suffering all the time. that would mean hope. I'll look into it.

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